Monday, September 23, 2013
Friday, September 6, 2013
My Church History
I was always aware of plural marriage and I knew that
Joseph had practised it. But when I first began to study the details, it
was by way of [an inadequately researched book that made startling claims], and I almost immediately encountered . . . [troubling] claims. . . . And I stopped at that point
because I hadn’t done the legwork to [know the whole story]. The author dumped it on me and he moved on and I had to decide what to
do with it, and many of you or most of you have perhaps had that
experience of kind of bopping along blissfully, and then someone
presents you with some stuff and just kind of leaves you to deal with
it. And that’s why plural marriage is such a useful tool for the antis
is because they don’t have to do much.
So, I thought about it a lot. And I didn’t know much but I knew three things.
- I knew that I didn’t know enough to answer the questions that this was going to bring up.
- I knew that finding the answers, if there were any, was going to take a lot of time and a lot of work.
- I knew that I might not be intellectually or spiritually up to the challenge of finding those answers or recognising the answers or being satisfied with the answers. And I knew that answers might not exist.
So, I determined then to take that to the Lord and it
was one of the most interesting experiences of my life. The scriptures
talk about having the Spirit give you words—give you words to pray when
you don’t know what you should say (e.g., Romans 8:26, 3 Nephi 19:24).
Well, I thought I knew what I was going to say, but apparently that
wasn’t what I was supposed to say, so I ended up saying something quite
different from what I knelt down intending to talk about. Somewhat to my
surprise, I found myself telling my Father in Heaven what bothered me
and instead of begging him for answers or insisting upon them (as I had
half planed to do) I found myself telling him that I would not forsake
him, that I would not forsake our relationship, that I was not going to
turn my back on it or on him. And, that I was not going to abandon my
covenants. I told him that come what may, I would do whatever he wanted
me to do. And then, I asked him if it would be spiritually dangerous for
me to commit the kind of time and energy and effort and intellectual
work that this project would probably require.
And I thought that that was going to be the first of
many struggling prayers over the issue. But God is gracious and he told
me very clearly that I was quite free to investigate it, that it would
all work out, though he gave me no idea of how or in what way, and that I
had nothing to worry about. And here I am, four years later, talking
about it—you must be careful what you ask for, you may get it. I almost
think he was a little bit unfair! If I had known this was part of the
deal—I did not bargain for this. I did not set out to be the person
people ask about plural marriage. Anyone out there who wants the title
can see me after.
But, as I’ve thought about that experience--and I think you picked that up very well in this quite heartrending letter that I’ve been reading from here—even the idea
of plural marriage is deeply hurtful for some people, especially women.
And it’s more, I’m convinced, than just some kind of social or cultural
revulsion. I think sometimes it’s speaks to the things that we have
experienced in our lives. It brings up memories of the abusive power or
of men who mistreated us or sexual abuse or inconsiderate spouses or a
host of other things. And it also is easily made to seem a textbook
example of the abuse of religion for power—the preacher who wants sex
with you and your daughter in exchange for salvation. And I sympathise
with all those reactions because I know something of them.
But, perhaps, because of them or in my case, because of
the vastness of the topic, we become very uneasy, in a way, with plural
marriage that I don’t see with other apologetic issues. We feel a
pressure and urgency to solve this problem above all others, once and
for all, and quickly. The more we look, the harder it seems to solve it.
In large part because the usual sources that we have to rely on, as I
have shown you, do very little to help us solve it. And without the
primary sources we are, in a sense, lost. And the cycle is thus a
vicious one because the more we try to solve it, the more it gets dumped
on us.
Now, I am not—before some mouth-breather on the internet concludes otherwise—I am not suggesting that we stop thinking or that I think thinking is a bad idea.
But, the problem was, in that moment, when I first
approached God with this, was that my spiritual life did not have four
or five years, which is how long I’ve been doing this now, to sit in the
church archives. My spiritual life could not be put on hold for that
long. How long could I halt between two opinions? If Joseph be Baal or a
sexual predator, don’t follow him. Jesus called the apostles and did
not tell them to spend three or four years with the primary sources
before deciding to answer the call to “Come, follow me.”
And for me, ultimately, the question (I see now) had
nothing to do with plural marriage at all. Plural marriage was only the
catalyst for a much more fundamental question and that question was, “Do
I trust Father?” And I see now, by the grace of God, that my
instinctive reaction was to do that, to express my trust and, amazingly,
to mean it. I did not realise it at the time, but what I effectively
chose to do, if I can put it crudely, is I chose to “consecrate my
brain.” I value my brain—we all do—nobody likes to be thought foolish or
naaive or ill-informed or duped or cognitively dissonant or any of the
other labels people can put upon us.
I’m a doctor, I’m regarded as a reasonably smart person, I love
science, I love evidence, I’m a sceptic, I’m a rationalist. I say all
this about myself—I am all those things, that’s part of how I conceive
of myself.
I could have gone before God and I could have demanded
answers, I could’ve told him I want the evidence and I want it now, I
want closure. I could’ve issued him ultimatums. I could’ve told him that
if this didn’t work out, I was quitting. But, I chose instead, to
consecrate my brain. I was willing to sacrifice my self-image, my years
of learning, my intellectual effort and my social respectability on the
internet (which I’m sure is crashing as I speak!) because I trusted
Father.
But, you know, it’s the funny thing about consecration,
you always get back everything you consecrate, with interest. Once my
Father and I had an understanding which took, maybe, 10 minutes, I was
back to thinking again. And immediately, I began to get more answers and
perspective that I know what to do with, and it hasn’t stopped yet.
It’s like trying to drink from a fire hose and I apologize for spraying
you all but I haven’t exactly got it controlled yet.
I got “good measure, pressed down, and shaken together,
and running over” (Luke 6:38). I cast my bread upon the water and God
sent back an aircraft carrier with a bakery on top.
My only fear in saying all this is that some people will
think I’m offering a pat answer—I’m not. Abraham was asked to
consecrate Isaac. And with Isaac went all the precious promises,
everything that made Abraham, Abraham. But he put his son on the altar
and he got him back and so much more. We know how Abraham’s story ends
but Abraham did not. And as Elder Maxwell observed, even when we know
it’s a test, we can’t say, “Look ma, no hands.”
You can’t consecrate your brain while crossing your fingers and hoping
that we can somehow trick God by going through the intellectual motions
and that he will support our demand for proof. You can’t ask for a sign,
but I bear you my witness that “signs follow them that believe,” in
this as in everything (D&C 63:9).
And so, I’ve tried to answer some questions today but I
will leave you with one. And that question is, “Do you trust Father?” If
you do, I have no worries, and if you do not, or if you’ve forgotten
how, or you fear you may be starting to, you must start there because no
answer from me or anyone else will satisfy you on a historical matter.
And if plural marriage doesn’t trip you up, something will. Settle it up
with Father and then you and I can talk.
Praise be to the man who communed with Jehovah. I will
not bear you testimony of the history I’ve told you for that could all
change tomorrow. But I bear witness of the Lord of the outstretched arm,
who comes into our nights and into our days and clasps us to his chest,
and who gives us back a hundredfold of all the poor leavings that we
drop upon the altar—sometimes with clenched fists and worried backward
glances, since we really didn’t want to give it up—that we drop upon the
altar which is already stained with his far more impressive sacrifice
on our behalf.
--Greg Smith (slightly edited)
